We all know who really benefits from breast enhancement - and this ad for an online dating site makes it crystal clear. My only recommendation: put the glasses on the one on the right, and he'll be smiling even bigger:

I know, anyone who goes on these shows should expect to just get yelled at for whatever they say. You: "I like to eat potato chips when-" Hannity: "YOU SOCIALIST BASTARD, YOU DON'T GET IT." Anyhow, Aubrey O'Day is on during a segment of Hannity and His Ego, in which they are complaining about that old problem of teaching masturbation to kids. Here she is, explaining that children, especially boys, like to touch their wiener from a young age. Hannity, however, asserts that he remained pure of loins well into his older years, but in effect admitted to masturbating on national television. Oh, Hannity: I, for one, think if you embraced masturbation at an earlier age, with the strength of the United Nations behind you, you might not be as big of an uptight ass as you are today.

I twit from time to time, and I've seen this first-hand: pornographic bots made up a large chunk of the Twitter universe. I block a couple a day, and half the time they're already deleted accounts. The link above is Business Weekly, who is concerned that the porn spam will damage Twitter's business model, which, at the moment, seems to be to give away a lot for free without asking for any money in return - which, on the outside, looks like an iron-clad business model immune to the recession or unemployment figures, but, well, spammers can fuck just about anything up if given enough time.

See, that's what this modern conservatism is coming to: provocative now equals pornographic? What the fuck, people? Burlesque struggles with being treated as porn's readheaded stepsister, when in fact they live next door and only kinda know their neighbors but don't visit ever. This I did not know: a burlesque dancer had to sue, because promotional material for her dance course refers to her as a 'porn star' - probably to titillate and sell more - but, well, nobody thought that labelling a non-nude, non-hardcore person a "porn star" would be damaging, apparently.

A new TV show is in the works, based on Dan Savage's sex advice column, Savage Love. Hooray - we can watch a rude gay man tell stupid idiots how to handle their damaged relationships! Oh, wait - I thought Dr. Drew already had a TV show or two. You'd think that doing a TV show about a blog or nonfiction advice program would suck, but, hey, Jules and Julia is doing OK in the theatres. On the other hand - you know where Savage needs a job? The View. He'll kick some ass, take some names, and enjoy the humiliating experience of having Barbara Walters drink him under the table in a competition reminiscent of the Nepal scene in Raiders. Advertisers would fucking go nuts.

A scientist, interested in researching the human body during sexual intercourse, put a couple in an MRI machine and filmed them "doing it". When they were done, the stills were assembled into a video, which shows - DAMN - a guy's dick really pushes everything around inside her. So, guys, be careful: you don't know just how much that huge cock of yours is doing to your lover's internal organs. It's kinda gross.

Have you ever really thought about Furries? I mean, not just sports mascots, but the Furries that believe they're really animals and have sex in costume? No, really, have you ever spent days just watching videos online and pictures in message areas and subscribing to furry porn sites and masturba-er, taking notes furiously? Now, you can have it in book form! Furverts is the furry kama sutra of sorts, a picture book of furries in sexual positions. Not only will it let you look at furry sex, it'll be something new for your bookshelf besides all those Dragonlance books from college. Read something new, dork: start with Furverts.

Kiera Knightley's boobs have garnered attention yet again. Usually somewhat petite and demure, she could (and I believe in Pirates of the Carribean, did) pass for a boy when dressed right. So take a look at these big babies below - "Photoshop!" are the cries of those who pay attention to Knightley's breasts, because they looked at the pixels and have seen a few 'shops in their time. "I've long dreamed of holding those fair bosoms in my hands, and the photo is nothing like my imagination produces!" Certainly, Knightley's breasts do look much bigger than usual, but I haven't seen them naked before, either. The ad doesn't make them all that big, either; under baggy clothes and without a push-up bra, they'd be unnoticeable, too. Here, let me just review that image again, I'll just stare at it a little longer, pondering important things...

Fitness Magazine would like you to know that some sex positions are better for you than others. Not for pleasure, oh no, but for pumping those glutes and crunking those fubs! It's a slideshow, so prepare for dismissing annoying overlay ads, but you do get ten little line-drawings of fit people having sex. The positions they cover are, pretty much the main positions we all use, so, really, if this were true, there's be a whole lot more physically fit people than there actually are. I'd like to see the bad positions for exercise; maybe we're all doing the fucking that just makes us fat.

Complex magazine has released their list of "big" women they'd like to fuck. Er, rather, they say "get crushed by", so I was expecting some obese women, but I didn't expect a mildly misogynistic reference from a lad's mag! Complex magazine is published on The Island of Tiny Women, so I can see how they were confused: everybody on their list is around average size, or maybe just a little bigger than normal. They might want to stop watching their online porn: here's a clue, guys - porn stars wear high heels because they're tiny - and that makes men's dicks look bigger. Real women are over 5 feet tall, are around a size 16, and are more than happy to fuck you for fun, but they're not so ugly that they need your charity. "Ah, she weighs more than 120, she'll appreciate that I want to fuck her, because it's quite clear nobody else would."

Ladies, when you're flirting with a man and he pops some gum in his mouth, watch out: he may be priming his erection with some viagra-like chewing gum. Well, kinda: they hide behind the "male enhancer" name, like Enzyte Bob, which means it's main ingredient is "placebo". Well, placebo, yohimbue, damaiyana, and ginseng, none of which are probably spelled right her. A cocktail of those three herbs has been touted as herbal sex enhancer for decades (look at the ads in your old Hustlers, guys), which means it must work at least a bit for people to keep buying this crap. At least the gum makes your breath smell better, which is probably the biggest helper to getting laid of anything in the gum.

Wooo - the hottest babes of Heavy Metal and the Renaissance Faire come together in this website: Topless Ladies With Swords dot com. Fetishists can even get their rocks off, because these ladies are also fuckin' blind. They'll give you your just desserts, they'll tell you where to go, and they won't stand for any shifty behavior - completely by the books, these ladies are. I think, anyhow: their HTML is messed up, so every click goes to The Colbert Report, but I'm sure they'll have it fixed sometime today.

As if you don't already look like a total douche for showing off your iPhone apps to anyone who makes eye contact, here's Complex's guide to the sleaziest iPhone applications for you to download and show off to the guys at the office, potential girlfriends, your extended family, et al. That is, sleaziest at the time of publication; I'm sure 25 new bouncy-boob apps have appeared since I started typing this sentence. Anyhow, when you make a piece of electronics that has a touch screen, accelerometer, and vibrates - what else could possibly use all three of those features? I think Apple had this in mind all along. Those horny bastards.

Some of those excellent artists from Pixar have decided to release some of their sexual frustration with The Ancient Book of Sex and Science, all done in a retro-modern UPA cartoony style. Naughty, naughty artists! (warning: annoying flash interface)

CBS News' "CRIMESIDER," or the worst name for an off-brand superhero ever, is musing on the most notorious teacher sex scandals ever. What makes them so notorious? The Hannibal-Lecter-like detail the criminal went through to cover their tracks; the extreme nature of the sexual acts; the enormous number of victims from one vicious teacher? Oh, no, no, no -- it's all about the teacher's fuckability. Note that there's not even any hot guys on the list - guys don't get a pass if they've been fucking 16-year-olds they believe they're in love with - it's an altar to women who'll give a teenager the greatest fantasy known to men: fucking a hot adult who has control over your life. Awesome, CBS News!

Getting into the mile-high club can be tough; overcrowded flights, cramped bathrooms, un-helpful stewardesses - but now, if you can get yourself to Australia, you have an option for getting your wings without all the complications. Erotic Airways is back in the air again, after a economy-related hiatus, giving couples a chance to wiggle their wallaby (is that right?) up in the wild blue yonder.

Set your VCR's everyone: this Wednesday evening, CNBC will premiere a new documentary on everyone's favorite media industry, entitled PORN: Business of Pleasure. The show seems to think that "technology" is destroying pornography, and my guess is they're referring to the internet and its instant, free nudity impacting profits, but when CNBC continually calls the video game platform a "Play Station", they might not be as technology savvy, either. One bright point: it looks like the show is not going to have any dark expose on the poor treatment of women or the spread of disease, both of which are bugaboos meant to grossify an otherwise clean industry; the website even looks like they had a hard time finding any men to talk to - it's even got a segment on how women are taking control of the industry.

Ah, Chicago's very own WGN has done well to emphasize their journalistic integrity. Their invited guest came on to discuss Afghan insurgency, illegal immigration, and the housing bubble, but the only clip that made it online was the talent component of the show, in which the Hooter's Girl rode a stool like a juke-joint bull machine while pouring a pitcher of beer. "Kids get free wings on Tuesdays" is the only remotely newsworthy part of the segment, but, well, kids aren't the ones getting anything from the news, so to speak.

New, from the minds of Carl's Jr: Hot Chicks Eating Burgers. Dear god, when you distill hamburger marketing down to its bare essentials, it gets even better. I mean, check out the maid one: french dip, french maid, and a sadness behind her eyes that nobody can love away. Bonus points: I learned of this ad campaign from Diane Sawyer, who devoted more time to these videos than, well, these videos. Aside from the new Hot Chicks campaign, every other ad they reference has been seen here, too. I fear Sawyer is reading my blog for segment ideas. Curse you Diane Sawyer!

Ah, Burger King, we know you like square butts, but now you want to shove your big 7-incher into women's faces. Now, I know the internet is rife with 4chan photoshops, but this appears to be real: however, it's an overseas ad, so we Americans will have to find another reason to jack off while waiting in line for your Steakhouse Mushroom & Swiss burger.